If the girl you like already has a boyfriend, pursuing a relationship with her can get complicated. Not only is she more likely to reject you than she would be if she were single, but you’ll likely have to deal with resentment from her current boyfriend. If you really care for her and want to give it a shot anyway, first consider the risks and benefits. Once you’re ready to approach the girl, take it slowly and treat her with consideration and respect. If it does work out, be prepared to put in some hard work to build a strong relationship!
Figuring Out Your Options
Ask yourself why you want to get involved with her. Before you make any moves, consider why you want to go after someone who’s already in a relationship. Do you genuinely care about this girl and have her best interests at heart? Do you really believe she’d be happier with you than she is in her current relationship? If not, stop and seriously consider whether pursuing a relationship with her is really a good idea.[1]
For example, if you’re trying to win her over just because you enjoy a challenge or because you want to get back at her current boyfriend for something, you’re probably not going to end up with a very happy or fulfilling relationship.
Find out if she’s happy in her current relationship. Let's face it—you probably won't be winning the girl over if she's head-over-heels in love with her current boyfriend. But if she seems bored with her relationship or you see signs that he’s not treating her right, you may have a chance. Without acting like you're prying too much, try to get a sense of how she is really feeling about her relationship.[2]
If you have the opportunity, try observing how your crush and her boyfriend seem together. Do you notice a lot of tension and awkward silences? Does he snap at her or put her down? Or do you see tons of laughter, smiles, and physical affection?
It can also be helpful to talk to one of the girl’s close friends about how her relationship is going.
Tip: Even if her current relationship seems terrible to you, don’t expect her to walk away from it easily. It can be very difficult to leave an unhealthy relationship.[3]
Look for signs that she’s interested in you. If the girl you like doesn’t like you back at least a little bit, you’re not going to make much headway. Before you try to make a move, look for signals that the attraction is mutual.[4] For example, does she:
Make a lot of eye contact when you talk to her?
Laugh and smile a lot when she’s with you?
Look for opportunities to spend time with you?
Open up to you easily?
Touch you frequently?
Back off if you don’t think you can handle a complicated relationship. Getting romantically involved with a girl who already has a boyfriend will automatically create a bunch of problems for your relationship.[5] Before you attempt anything, consider:
Are you ready to deal with the pain that your actions will probably cause for her current boyfriend, and possibly for you and her as well?
Are you confident that you will be able to build a stronger relationship with her than the one she already has?
If she’s willing to leave her current boyfriend for you, are you prepared for the possibility that she might leave you for someone else in the future?
Look for signs that she’s interested in you. If the girl you like doesn’t like you back at least a little bit, you’re not going to make much headway. Before you try to make a move, look for signals that the attraction is mutual.[4] For example, does she:
Make a lot of eye contact when you talk to her?
Laugh and smile a lot when she’s with you?
Look for opportunities to spend time with you?
Open up to you easily?
Touch you frequently?
Back off if you don’t think you can handle a complicated relationship. Getting romantically involved with a girl who already has a boyfriend will automatically create a bunch of problems for your relationship.[5] Before you attempt anything, consider:
Are you ready to deal with the pain that your actions will probably cause for her current boyfriend, and possibly for you and her as well?
Are you confident that you will be able to build a stronger relationship with her than the one she already has?
If she’s willing to leave her current boyfriend for you, are you prepared for the possibility that she might leave you for someone else in the future?
Method 2
Starting a Relationship
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Spend time with her as a friend. Before you start making any moves, take some time to get to know the girl. This will not only give her a chance to warm up to you, but will also give you a better idea of whether this risky relationship is worth pursuing. Look for opportunities to hang out with her and do fun things together, without any romantic expectations.[6]
To make her feel more at ease, try inviting her out with other friends at first. That way, she won’t feel like you’re trying to ask her out on a date right away.
For example, you might invite her to a party or a group movie night.
Tip: You might be worried about ending up in the “friend zone,” but research shows that friendship is actually a great foundation for a romantic relationship.[7] Don’t be afraid to be a friend first before taking your relationship to the next level!
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2
Treat her with respect. Remember that this girl is a fellow human being, not a potential conquest. Take her—and the fact that she’s already in a relationship—seriously. If she’s uncomfortable with anything you’re doing, respect her boundaries and back off.[8]
For example, if she says, “Hey, I don’t like the way you poke fun at my boyfriend,” don’t get defensive. Just apologize and stop doing it.
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3
Give her your full attention when you’re together. Let the girl know you value and appreciate her by showing a genuine interest in her when you hang out. Keep up your side of the conversation, but let her do most of the talking. When she says something, follow up with a question to let her know that you’re listening actively to what she has to say.[9]
For example, if she says that she wants to become a doctor, don’t just say, “Oh, cool,” and move on. Ask her something like, “How did you get interested in medicine?”
Don’t spend the whole conversation planning what you’re going to say next. Instead, focus on what she’s saying and respond to that.
Put away your cell phone and any other distractions when you’re together.
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4
Open up to her a little.
Starting a Relationship
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1
Spend time with her as a friend. Before you start making any moves, take some time to get to know the girl. This will not only give her a chance to warm up to you, but will also give you a better idea of whether this risky relationship is worth pursuing. Look for opportunities to hang out with her and do fun things together, without any romantic expectations.[6]
To make her feel more at ease, try inviting her out with other friends at first. That way, she won’t feel like you’re trying to ask her out on a date right away.
For example, you might invite her to a party or a group movie night.
Tip: You might be worried about ending up in the “friend zone,” but research shows that friendship is actually a great foundation for a romantic relationship.[7] Don’t be afraid to be a friend first before taking your relationship to the next level!
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2
Treat her with respect. Remember that this girl is a fellow human being, not a potential conquest. Take her—and the fact that she’s already in a relationship—seriously. If she’s uncomfortable with anything you’re doing, respect her boundaries and back off.[8]
For example, if she says, “Hey, I don’t like the way you poke fun at my boyfriend,” don’t get defensive. Just apologize and stop doing it.
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3
Give her your full attention when you’re together. Let the girl know you value and appreciate her by showing a genuine interest in her when you hang out. Keep up your side of the conversation, but let her do most of the talking. When she says something, follow up with a question to let her know that you’re listening actively to what she has to say.[9]
For example, if she says that she wants to become a doctor, don’t just say, “Oh, cool,” and move on. Ask her something like, “How did you get interested in medicine?”
Don’t spend the whole conversation planning what you’re going to say next. Instead, focus on what she’s saying and respond to that.
Put away your cell phone and any other distractions when you’re together.
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4
Open up to her a little.
If you can allow yourself to be a little vulnerable with her, the girl will have a better idea of who you are and where you’re coming from. By opening up to her, you can also show her that you trust her and feel comfortable with her.[10]
For example, you might share a secret with her, admit to a flaw, or let her see you put yourself on the spot by trying something new.
Don’t be afraid to let her see you get a little emotional. For example, if you’re watching a sad movie together and you get a bit choked up, don’t try to hide it from her!
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5
Flirt with her a little if she seems okay with it. If it seems like she’s comfortable with you and enjoys your company, try adding a little light flirting into the mix. Make sure to make eye contact and smile a lot when you talk to her. You can also flirt by:[11]
Joking with her and teasing her playfully. If you try teasing her, keep it good-natured and light. Don’t say anything mean-spirited or make her the butt of a joke.
Acting confident. Sit up straight and speak in a clear, strong voice. Keep your body language open and relaxed when you’re with her.
Drawing attention to your mouth. This may sound odd, but getting her to notice your lips may get her thinking about kissing you. Smile a lot and touch your chin occasionally. If you have a drink, hold your glass by your mouth a couple seconds longer than you normally would.
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6
Show her that you'd be a good boyfriend. If you want to attract a girl who’s already in a relationship, you’ll need to be more appealing to her than her current boyfriend is. Don’t try to act like him because you think that’s what she likes—instead, be the best version of yourself when you’re with her. If you know there’s anything she’s not getting from her current relationship, try to show that you can provide those things.[12]
For example, maybe you’ve noticed that her current boyfriend never jokes around with her. If you’re naturally funny, let that quality shine—she’ll probably appreciate being around someone who can get her to laugh.
For example, you might share a secret with her, admit to a flaw, or let her see you put yourself on the spot by trying something new.
Don’t be afraid to let her see you get a little emotional. For example, if you’re watching a sad movie together and you get a bit choked up, don’t try to hide it from her!
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5
Flirt with her a little if she seems okay with it. If it seems like she’s comfortable with you and enjoys your company, try adding a little light flirting into the mix. Make sure to make eye contact and smile a lot when you talk to her. You can also flirt by:[11]
Joking with her and teasing her playfully. If you try teasing her, keep it good-natured and light. Don’t say anything mean-spirited or make her the butt of a joke.
Acting confident. Sit up straight and speak in a clear, strong voice. Keep your body language open and relaxed when you’re with her.
Drawing attention to your mouth. This may sound odd, but getting her to notice your lips may get her thinking about kissing you. Smile a lot and touch your chin occasionally. If you have a drink, hold your glass by your mouth a couple seconds longer than you normally would.
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6
Show her that you'd be a good boyfriend. If you want to attract a girl who’s already in a relationship, you’ll need to be more appealing to her than her current boyfriend is. Don’t try to act like him because you think that’s what she likes—instead, be the best version of yourself when you’re with her. If you know there’s anything she’s not getting from her current relationship, try to show that you can provide those things.[12]
For example, maybe you’ve noticed that her current boyfriend never jokes around with her. If you’re naturally funny, let that quality shine—she’ll probably appreciate being around someone who can get her to laugh.
If her boyfriend doesn’t show much of an interest in her hobbies, show her that you’re different by asking questions or finding ways to participate. For example, you might say, “Oh, you like board games? I’ve been dying to try out Catan. Maybe we can play sometime!”
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7
Drop hints that you’re interested in her. Once you’ve gotten a chance to spend time with her and get close, find a way to subtly let her know that you’d like to be more than friends. Don’t put pressure on her or expect her to reciprocate—just let her know how you feel and give her a chance to respond.
If you want to give her subtle hints, you can try offering her sincere compliments. For example, say, “Wow, Charlotte, you look so nice today!” or “Spending time with you always brightens my whole day.”
You can also try showing your attraction with physical touch—for example, you could put your hand on her shoulder or touch her hand for a moment while you talk.[13] Only do this if she seems comfortable with it, though.
If you’re not good at making subtle hints and you feel pretty confident that she’s also interested in you, you can try simply confessing how you feel. Keep in mind that this could be a risky move, however!
EXPERT TIP
John Keegan
John Keegan
Dating Coach
Ask how serious her relationship is. Find out whether she's in love with him and if she sees a future with him. You might find that she's ready to move on from her current boyfriend and open to a new relationship.
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8
Let her make the next move. If you’re pretty sure she knows you’re interested, it’s up to her to take it from there. If she wants something to happen, she might ask you to hang out one-on-one or even confess her feelings for you directly.[14]
Don’t put pressure on her! Even if she is interested in you, she’s already in the tough position of deciding between you and her current boyfriend. She’ll likely feel resentful and uncomfortable if you put her on the spot.
Method 3
Making the Relationship Work
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1
Continue to be kind and respectful if you do get together. If you do manage to get together with the girl, you still have your work cut out for you. Remember, she made a major decision when she decided to go with you despite being in a relationship already. Let her know it was worth it by treating her well and being there for her.[15]
Let her know you care by being thoughtful and compassionate. For example, check up on her if you know she’s having a rough time, and make an effort to really listen if she wants to talk.
Show genuine interest in her as a person. Talk to her about her interests, hopes, and dreams, and spend time doing things with her that she enjoys.
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2
Give her time to deal with the breakup. No matter what the circumstances, breakups are almost always hard. Understand that even if the girl breaks up with her boyfriend just to be with you, she may need some time to deal with her feelings before she can move forward with you.[16]
Don’t try to rush her or pressure her to get over it before she’s ready.
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7
Drop hints that you’re interested in her. Once you’ve gotten a chance to spend time with her and get close, find a way to subtly let her know that you’d like to be more than friends. Don’t put pressure on her or expect her to reciprocate—just let her know how you feel and give her a chance to respond.
If you want to give her subtle hints, you can try offering her sincere compliments. For example, say, “Wow, Charlotte, you look so nice today!” or “Spending time with you always brightens my whole day.”
You can also try showing your attraction with physical touch—for example, you could put your hand on her shoulder or touch her hand for a moment while you talk.[13] Only do this if she seems comfortable with it, though.
If you’re not good at making subtle hints and you feel pretty confident that she’s also interested in you, you can try simply confessing how you feel. Keep in mind that this could be a risky move, however!
EXPERT TIP
John Keegan
John Keegan
Dating Coach
Ask how serious her relationship is. Find out whether she's in love with him and if she sees a future with him. You might find that she's ready to move on from her current boyfriend and open to a new relationship.
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8
Let her make the next move. If you’re pretty sure she knows you’re interested, it’s up to her to take it from there. If she wants something to happen, she might ask you to hang out one-on-one or even confess her feelings for you directly.[14]
Don’t put pressure on her! Even if she is interested in you, she’s already in the tough position of deciding between you and her current boyfriend. She’ll likely feel resentful and uncomfortable if you put her on the spot.
Method 3
Making the Relationship Work
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1
Continue to be kind and respectful if you do get together. If you do manage to get together with the girl, you still have your work cut out for you. Remember, she made a major decision when she decided to go with you despite being in a relationship already. Let her know it was worth it by treating her well and being there for her.[15]
Let her know you care by being thoughtful and compassionate. For example, check up on her if you know she’s having a rough time, and make an effort to really listen if she wants to talk.
Show genuine interest in her as a person. Talk to her about her interests, hopes, and dreams, and spend time doing things with her that she enjoys.
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2
Give her time to deal with the breakup. No matter what the circumstances, breakups are almost always hard. Understand that even if the girl breaks up with her boyfriend just to be with you, she may need some time to deal with her feelings before she can move forward with you.[16]
Don’t try to rush her or pressure her to get over it before she’s ready.
You may not want to hear about her feelings for her ex, but remember, you need to be supportive if you want to be a good significant other. Listen if she wants to talk about it, and offer her a shoulder to cry on if she needs one.
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3
Make an effort to keep the relationship fun. If she left her last relationship because she was bored, you’ll need to work hard to make sure your relationship with her doesn’t end up the same way. Keep things exciting by doing fun things together and surprising her occasionally with something new.[17]
For example, you might go camping together or go to a new fun spot in town that’s just opened up.
You don’t have to do anything too elaborate—try surprising her with little gifts or a romantic evening at home now and then.
Tip: Don’t assume you know how she’s feeling or what she’ll enjoy doing. Try asking her what she wants to do sometimes!
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4
Be prepared for complicated emotions. You and your girlfriend might both have some complex feelings about her previous relationship. For example, she might feel some guilt about leaving her boyfriend, and you may feel a little jealous or insecure when she talks about him. If this happens, be honest with her and yourself about how you feel, but don’t be judgmental or make accusations. It’s natural for things to be a bit complicated under the circumstances.[18]
If you talk to your girlfriend about your feelings, use “I” language so that she doesn’t feel like you are pointing fingers or blaming her for how you feel. For example, say, “I sometimes feel anxious when you talk about your ex. I worry that you still have strong feelings for him.”[19]
Don’t make it a one-way conversation—be prepared to listen to what your girlfriend has to say, too, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
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3
Make an effort to keep the relationship fun. If she left her last relationship because she was bored, you’ll need to work hard to make sure your relationship with her doesn’t end up the same way. Keep things exciting by doing fun things together and surprising her occasionally with something new.[17]
For example, you might go camping together or go to a new fun spot in town that’s just opened up.
You don’t have to do anything too elaborate—try surprising her with little gifts or a romantic evening at home now and then.
Tip: Don’t assume you know how she’s feeling or what she’ll enjoy doing. Try asking her what she wants to do sometimes!
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4
Be prepared for complicated emotions. You and your girlfriend might both have some complex feelings about her previous relationship. For example, she might feel some guilt about leaving her boyfriend, and you may feel a little jealous or insecure when she talks about him. If this happens, be honest with her and yourself about how you feel, but don’t be judgmental or make accusations. It’s natural for things to be a bit complicated under the circumstances.[18]
If you talk to your girlfriend about your feelings, use “I” language so that she doesn’t feel like you are pointing fingers or blaming her for how you feel. For example, say, “I sometimes feel anxious when you talk about your ex. I worry that you still have strong feelings for him.”[19]
Don’t make it a one-way conversation—be prepared to listen to what your girlfriend has to say, too, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
